More children are being diagnosed autistic and ADHD due to increased awareness among medical practitioners and in the community. There are important things to consider when mediating with families that include neurodivergent children so that any arrangements are in their best interests.
Understanding the neurodivergent child’s experience
Neurodivergence presents in ways that are unique as the individual themselves, and no two families are the same. Sensory and cognitive processing differences mean that a neurodivergent child can struggle with situations that neurotypical children cope with easily. Uncertainty and sudden change can cause anxiety and they need more quiet/alone time to recharge from interaction with people.
Becoming overwhelmed may cause the child’s nervous system and emotions to become dysregulated. This is sometimes outwardly expressed as a “meltdown” or inwardly as a “shutdown”. Both result from intolerable stress or discomfort and shouldn’t be mistaken for a tantrum or the child trying to get attention from or get their own way.
Conventional parenting approaches can be problematic for neurodivergent children because they are designed for the brains of neurotypical children. It’s important not to make assumptions about what a neurodivergent child is experiencing internally based on what is observed externally. Parents can support the child to identify and articulate their needs.
Structure and routine
Often the first thing a parent of a neurodivergent child says in mediation is that routine is important to their child. A structured routine is a way of managing uncertainty and reducing anxiety. Knowing that there are times where they can engage in their interests and passions or to have down-time can be comforting for a neurodivergent child.
While some flexibility is required to respond to changed circumstances, changes to the routine should be kept to a minimum. Having a written agreement that sets out parenting arrangements clearly and in detail can help parents maintain consistency in the child’s life. It gives the child a sense of stability and the reassurance of knowing what to expect each day and as they move between households.
Adjusting to new environments
Spending time with a parent in a new, unfamiliar environment can be challenging for a neurodivergent child. Separation can mean adjusting to one or more new homes and it may involve temporary accommodation, for example with grandparents. At some stage, one or both parent’s households may include new partners and their children. This amount of interaction can be overwhelming for a neurodivergent child, especially if used to a smaller household.
Sensitivities to sensory input mean that noise, large groups of people or a wide range of foods may be less easy to tolerate. If the child is having day-time only contact with a parent, large shopping centres and busy takeaway food outlets might not be a good idea for long periods. Familiar environments where a child can enjoy their interests and activities can provide a positive experience.
Even when a child is having a good time with one parent, this can place demands on them that lead to exhaustion and “acting out” when they are back in their familiar environment. Unsurprisingly, tension can arise if a parent sees this behaviour as an indication that the child had a bad experience.
Understanding what the child is experiencing internally is the key to navigating it and helping the child adjust. This requires parents to communicate about what is happening in each household with the common aim of meeting the child’s needs.
Smooth transitions between parents
With each transition between homes, a neurodivergent child has to work hard to adjust to a different environment, sensory experience, routine, rules and expectations and dynamics, particularly if there are others in the household. They may also feel stressed about keeping track of their personal items between households or having to go without.
Parents proposing additional mid-week time need to consider the additional demand this places on a child. An alternative option for connecting with the child during the week could be taking them to a regular activity or somewhere familiar and enjoyable after school. For older children, a longer fortnightly block of time might be more appropriate especially if they can maintain communication with parents.
Conflict between the parents provides an additional layer of stress at the point of transition. A neurodivergent child’s nervous system is alert to tension between the parents even when it’s not overt. The mere anticipation of the parents being in the same place can be a regular source of stress.
Children can be supported in their transitions between households by maintaining consistent times and locations and familiar cues and routines. For example, the children might spend 20 minutes playing on equipment in the park where the parents meet. Where possible, transitioning via school drop offs and pick up can be easier for a child to manage as well as reducing parental conflict.
Making changes gradually
It’s understandable for a parent to want to be more involved in their children’s lives by spending more time with them but it needs to be managed carefully. Neurodivergent children tend to have a lower threshold for change because uncertainty is stressful. Even when the change is beneficial to the child, too much too soon can be counter-productive.
Children do better with parenting arrangements that gradually build up the amount of time with one parent. It’s important for that parent to understand that this approach is not about restricting or controlling their relationship with the child but building a foundation for a successful and sustainable arrangement.
Parents can support the child by clearly communicating about what to expect and encouraging them to ask questions and talk about their feelings. Staying focused on the child’s needs and maintaining a consistent and predictable routine will help the child to feel grounded and safe.
Conclusion
It is helpful for mediators to be aware of the experiences of neurodivergent children and how parenting arrangements may impact on them. Carefully negotiated parenting agreements that provide structure, routine, consistency and accommodate children’s sensory, cognitive and emotional needs can support children and parents adjusting to post-separation changes.
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