Most people have some level of anxiety before participating in family law mediation. The prospect of discussing personal and emotional issues and making decisions about their family’s future is bound to be daunting. Racing heart, dry mouth and sweaty palms are the tell-tale signs of a nervous system on alert - the flight or fight response activated in response to a threat.
Often participants in mediation feel their anxiety ease as mediation gets started and they become comfortable with the process. For a neurodivergent person, the uncertainty around navigating unfamiliar processes and the sensory and cognitive demands that go with it can continue to activate the nervous system.
To operate within a world that is not made for your neurotype is to live in survival mode. Anxiety isn’t isolated to notable events but forms an ever-present baseline. Even apparently simple interactions are loaded with the fear of consequences. Of getting it wrong. Of being judged. Shamed. Rejected. Excluded.
Over time we absorb countless daily traumas which we continue to hold in our bodies long after they fade from our conscious memory. We carry our histories into every situation, our nervous systems primed for a hostile and unpredictable world.
Many of us don’t realise that we have been living our lives in survival mode until we are diagnosed with some form of neurodivergence later in life. But we have a shared experience of feeling out of sync with the world; of having to put much more effort into the things that seem to come easily to others.
Fitting into a neurotypical world demands sustained mental and emotional labour, often referred to as masking. We scan and assess our environments like undercover operatives, trying to blend in and not attract attention to ourselves. Neurodivergent people who are marginalised by race, culture, sexuality and gender and other differences have to work even harder to be safe.
Much of this takes place unconsciously, like an app operating in the background, constantly draining our batteries. It’s only when we learn about our neurotype that we can account for all this invisible work. Until then, it feels like we have no alternative but to keep up with everyone else, or at least look like we’re coping. We learn to override discomfort and push through. Mind over matter, we’re told. Pull yourself together. We fear that voicing our needs would make us look weak, incompetent or difficult, so we earn to ignore them.
Trying to overcome stress by rationalising it in our heads doesn’t stop it being absorbed by our bodies and nervous systems. Over time, the accumulated stress of forced survival in a neurotypical world takes its toll in burnout, chronic anxiety, depression, complex trauma and a raft of physical conditions.
Much more is understood now about how trauma is experienced in the body, as recognised by somatic approaches to therapy. It is only when we learn tune into what our bodies are telling us that we can start to retrain our nervous systems to feel safe and to stop living in survival mode. Only then can we start to contribute and thrive as our authentic selves.
For too long, neurodivergent people have shouldered the burden of adapting to a whole range of processes – in health systems, government agencies, corporations, workplaces and the legal system – that are based on the way neurotypical brains work. The ableism built into these processes and lack of understanding of the needs of neurodivergent people means they are often confusing, overwhelming and disempowering. This is even more acute for people already dealing with emotionally stressful issues in their lives.
The process of mediation demands a lot from people but they can only participate meaningfully if they feel safe, calm and present. Coming to mediation in survival mode leaves limited bandwidth for dealing with difficult emotions and problem-solving on top of the sensory and cognitive processing of navigating the process.
A neuro-affirming and trauma-informed approach to mediation ensures that each person feels safe, supported and empowered to participate in mediation. Mediators can build psychological safety and trust through listening, demonstrating compassion, non-judgment and respect and validating each person’s experience.
As family law mediators, we need to acknowledge our role as part of a system that many experience as oppressive and traumatic. We are redressing power imbalances not just between parties but between individuals and systems.
Providing family law mediation is a valuable opportunity to develop processes that are inclusive of all neurotypes. It starts from an understanding that mediation can’t be a one-size-fits all proposition but must build in processes that are robust and flexible enough to meet all needs. The onus of providing accessible and inclusive mediation services should be on mediators, not the individuals seeking them.
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